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Wednesday, 22 January 2014


A photograph published on the BBC website of the pooing facilities as the Sochi winter Olympics has caused a Twitter storm. The site has communal toilets en masse and a cosy two seater affair whereby athletes can sh*t and have an intimate conversation at the same time. An intimate conversation about what, how smashing Putin is?. They have to say that in any conversation because every conversation in Russia is taped by the KGB.

The Russian authorities explained that they are big fans of Lulu and the toilet pairing is a tribute to her even though her name isn’t actually spelt LooLoo.
The Russians have spent £30m on the games which I’m presuming would have risen to £40m if they’d bought a few partitions. Oddly though the urinals are individually placed with dividing walls. I’m guessing this is because the Russian authorities don’t particularly like gay people and the dividing walls are stop them looking at each other’s willies.

An internal Conservative Party investigation has come to the conclusion that MP Aiden Burley caused great offence by organising a Nazi themed Stag party. Burley bought a Nazi uniform for the groom to wear, seems he had to buy it because he couldn’t get a hold of Prince Harry to ask if he could borrow his. The investigation found that Burley wasn’t “racist” or “ an anti Semite” but it did find that he was a “f****ing t*sser with an IQ lower than the average house plant”.
It has to be asked: was he off school the day his teacher covered the holocaust?. Dressing up as Nazis was bad enough but the Stag Party driving in a convoy of panzer tanks over the Polish border just made matters about a million percent worse.
Attendees also chanted the names of prominent Nazis and I’m assuming they were Hitler, Goebbels, Borman, Goering, Eichman and leading members of the Unite union.
Burley or Gruppenfuhrer Herr Burley as he prefers to be known was sacked as a ministerial aide when the Stag party came to light, but he’s still a MP and can sit in the Houses of Parliament, or the Reichstag as he prefers it to be known as, and he’s still a member of the Conservative Party or the Turd Reich as most people know it as.

That’s the problem with our political system. It just doesn’t allow for MP’s to be kicked out of office for being a total dick. There’s a reason for that. If it was indeed the case the country wouldn’t have any MP’s. There’s a name for MP’s not being kicked out of office for being a total,total,total dick: it’s called the Ed Balls ruling.

The Japanese, what are they like?. If they aren’t killing Whales or making POW’s build the Burma Railway they are killing dolphins. Every year the fishermen of Taiji drive hundreds of dolphin into a cove and select some for slaughter and others for sale to marine parks. Being sold to a marine park is no get out for the Flippers because there they get made into Dolphin Burgers which taste like chicken apparently. Because everything unusual tastes like chicken doesn’t it.
Both the US and UK ambassadors have criticised the killings through official diplomatic channels, but the Japanese Government claim that it’s the dolphins own faults because if they are so intelligent how come they are stupid enough to swim in the waters around Japan.

Also in answering criticism about the countries whale killing the Japanese Government said quite rightly that they don’t kill anywhere near as many whales as all the do gooders around the Scottish coast kill whenever whales are beached. Whenever a whale fancies a wee rest on the beach or a bit of sunbathing the so called rescuers turn up and the whale knows that it’s f*****d. Last year three hundred whales were found on the beaches of Scotland and do you know how many the whale rescuers “saved”.
Zero. 70 whales did survive though but only because they go off their marks and back into the water when the saw the rescuers arriving in wet suits carrying buckets of sea water.
The Japanese Government also told the US said “Wait a f****g minute here, 30 dolphins ended up dead, Nagasaki and Hiroshima?, p*ss off”.
Funny race the Japanese though. Last week Shoichi Yokoi a lance corporal in the Japanese army died. He was the soldier who refused to believe that Japan had lost the war and hid out in the jungles of Guam for 28 years.
Some Japanese people saw him as a hero whereas others thought “What an idiot”. Mind you he did pretty well in back pay. He survived by eating nuts and berries 
supplemented by a monthly trek to the coast to kill a dolphin.

A bit fanatical though in refusing to believe despite being told by everyone that Japan had lost the war. When he came out of the jungle after eventually being persuaded he had the same “I can’t believe we lost look on his face” as Gordon Brown had and still has over Labour losing the last election. If he had not been forced out of Number 10 he’d still be in there hiding out in a cupboard.

Friday, 13 September 2013


Sorry, busy, busy, busy. Be backing blogging in the New Year


Louie Spence and Courtney Stodden have been evicted from “Celebrity” Big Brother. I can’t believe that incredibly popular and not annoying as f*** at all Louie has been evicted. Could be that maybe people are getting just a wee bit fed up with his completely over the top campness. Well he does make Alan Carr look like Vinnie Jones. Basically when it comes to Louie Spence no one can be THAT gay. It’s probably all an act and off camera his lisp is gone and he sounds like a docker.

The Daily Mail described him as “flamboyant” which I’m guessing is a euphemism for a “look at me, look at me, everyone pay attention to me” pain in the ar*e.

19 year old Courtney Stodden apparently has a problem with her fake boobs as viewers and not just the eagle eyed viewers have noticed that her breasts are purple. Just as well then that purple is one of this seasons big colours.

A cosmetic surgeon explained in the press that the reason she has purple boobs is because her implants are too big for the skin that surrounds them. They went from a C to a double D and they also went from pasty white to Plum Preserve on the Dulux paint chart.

You’d have thought that the surgeon who carried out the procedure would have told her “Double D, no, it’ll look as though you’ve replaced your tits with aubergines”.

Mind you he was probably distracted by the thought that he was also carrying out an operation on her 53 year old husband to up lift his old testicles to stop them banging off his knee caps.There are other ways of achieving that other than surgery. There’s the method Simon Cowell uses. He pulls his trouser waistband up to his chest and that keeps them roughly where he had them when he was in his 20’s.

The only problem with that is when he goes to the toilet for a pee because his pee is always preceded by two splashes. Not a problem for him, at home at least, because he’s had a hand air dryer adapted to dry his balls. When not at home he employs someone to go to the toilet with him to pat them down with paper towels when he’s done.

Good to see that Louie Spence has found gainful employment though eh?



Glasgow businessman John McGlynn has said that he’s “extremely concerned” that Scottish Labour leader Johann Lamont questioned the circumstances whereby £840.000 of taxpayers’ money was paid to him for a plot of land in Paisley. Land that he later bought back for £50,000 at an auction?.

McGlynn pointed out that he bought the land back at an auction which anyone could have attended. Yes, but he was probably tipped off by Alex Salmond that one of the teams on Bargain Hunt had a plot of land in Paisley as one of their lots.

Lamont is questioning the original land purchase because no one in their right mind would pay £840.000 for some land in Paisley. Not when you could have bought the whole of Paisley for £23.50.

And there’s no point in typing Paisley into your car’s Sat Navs because Paisley isn’t in the software. Sat Nav manufacturers haven’t bothered with Paisley because no one wants to go there.

Alex Salmond looked all shocked by Johann’s allegations of “hey you that’s as dodgy as f***” and responded angrily saying “What’s the problem with my new pal John making £790.000 in profit from the taxpayer. I mean if the taxpayer is too stupid to turn up at auctions to bid the land up to its proper value that’s not me and my new pal John’s problem is it”.

I’m guessing that the land was originally bought by the government on advice from the experts. The same experts who appear on Bargain Hunt. The same experts who cost the BCC licence fee payers a fortune by advising the teams to buy sh*te that always loses money.

It has to be asked though. If these antique experts always buy sh*te that loses money how do they make a living. Apparently they make a living from appearing on Bargain Hunt, and will continue to do so until the BBC realise “hold on a second, those daft f***kers haven’t got a clue about antiques”.


That’ll never happen though because like the government the BBC don’t care how much of our money they p*ss away. As evidenced by BBC Scotland making a Gaelic soap opera. As evidenced by everyone who works in television who isn’t all aboard the Gaelic Gravy Train shouting a big collective angry “Aw for f***’s sake” when BBC Scotland announced “Screw 99% of Scots, we’re only here for the 1% who speak Gaelic”.

The director of Bannan which is Gaelic for “Gies Your Licence Money” said that only Gaelic speakers will be allowed to work on the show.

Now, I’m not an employment lawyer, but I wish I was because I’d be onto fortunes suing BBC Scotland for discrimination on behalf of all the non Gaelic speakers who applied for jobs working on the show and were knocked back on language grounds. Not that any of those who applied are aware they got knocked back because the rejection letters were in Gaelic and none of them speak it.


BBC Scotland/Alba said they were making three half hour pilots. There you go again. Three pilots. Everyone else only gets one pilot. They also said if the drama proves popular it could be given a much longer run. Could? Of course it will be given a longer run. It’s Gaelic therefore if one Gael watches it on BBC Alba that’ll be all that BBC Scotland needs to claim that it’s incredibly popular and commission 10,000 episodes.

Perhaps they could film it in Paisley. Build a whole town and landscape some heather and hills around it. It’s rumoured that they are already in talks with an unnamed businessman who just happens to have a plot of land up for grabs at mere £840,000.