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Tuesday, 13 September 2011

OLD FIRM WAR OF WORDS

DRUGS TEST.

Gary O’Connor was named in a Channel 4 documentary as a player who failed a drugs test. C4 alleges he took cocaine which is a performance enhancing drug. Really, but he plays for Hibs so obviously the drug isn’t working.




£9m.

A war of words has erupted between Rangers and Celtic. Last week Celtic’s Peter Lawwell took a swipe at Rangers after Ibrox sources claimed they’d rejected a £9m bid for Nikica Jelavic. Lawwell joked “Aye so you did you bunch of fannies”. I’m paraphrasing but that was the gist of what he said.  Rangers chairman Craig Whyte hit back at Lawwell saying “Did so”. That’s paraphrased again but the following argument they had is verbatim.

 Lawwell replied “Naw you pure didnae” and Whyte said “Pure did” and Lawwell said “Pure did” and Whyte said “Did” and Lawwell said “Didnae”.............this went on for about two hours. So were Rangers offered that mental amount of money for Jelavic, or was the offer of £9m for Jelavic yet another of STV’s Raman Bhardwaj’s big football “exclusives”. His big football “exclusive” this week. Last week his big football exclusive was that scientists had cloned Sir Stanley Mathews DNA and the resultant new Sir Stanley Mathews is in signing talks with Hibs.

It has to be asked though. Who would pay £9m for Jelavic because generally speaking people who are mentally ill generally don’t have £9m, and given how skint Rangers are they’d probably have accepted a bid of £9 for the player.


Ally McCoist refused to make any comment. Well he was too busy out on Glasgow’s Argyle with his squad shouting “Get yer Rangers players, three pairs for a pound now, three pair for a pound, except for Jelavic, he’ll cost you nine pounds”

Craig Whyte did however admit to making mistakes with the transfer window. He bought some Windolene for it, and then hung out of it watching the world go past. Other than that......

Angered by Lawwells comments Whyte said the Celtic Chief lacked dignity. Lawwell told Whyte “Well that’s where you are wrong, Celtic fan and Deacon Blue’s lead singer Ricky Ross visits my office every to sing the bands hit Dignity to me”.

Which is apparently true because if you pass Parkhead any day around eleven o’clock you can hear Ross’s back up singer Lorraine McIntosh’s “woo.....woo woo”s. I say back up singer, but she’s really just someone who goes woo woo woo in every song.






PRETTY MOUTH.

A teenager who was caught having sex with her brother at Motherwell Station last summer has been hounded out of her home. The people who hounded her out of her home said the hounding was nothing to do with the incest, it was because of the incessant banjo playing at all hours of the day and night.



BIG SMELLY DAFT GREEN PANTS.

The Scottish Government claim they’ll create 130.000 jobs in the renewable energy sector by 2020. That sounds quite ambitious. But when it comes to green energy the government don’t seem to care if it’s completely unprofitable because .........well it’s only tax payer’s money they are chucking at it. I suspect they probably will create 130,000 jobs but only because they’ll “create” jobs. Jobs such as Wind Turbine Engineer, Wind Turbine Assistant Engineer, Assistant to the Wind Turbine Engineers Assistant, Assistant to the Wind Turbine Engineers Assistant’s Assistant, and Trainee Wind Turbine Engineer and Assistant to the Trainee Wind Turbine Engineer, and.....you get my point. Or 130,000 of the jobs could be created in a big giant human hamster sized wheels where it would take 130,000 people running in them to keep one low voltage 11 watt bulb lit in Alex Salmond’s bathroom.

To listen to the Scottish green energy fanatics you’d think Scotland was single handedly saving the planet. We aren’t, the difference a wee diddy country such as ours makes to the whole worlds carbons emissions is the equivalent of a midgies fart. And to ensure that midgie doesn’t fart billions is being spent by green evangelists on all sorts of gash renewables. It’s like a religion with them. It is, because they are lobbying the Scottish Government to have anyone who doesn’t believe as much as they do in green energy declared a heretic and burnt at the stake.  In fact it says at much in their green bible, in Exodus chapter two, verse 18 to be exact where it says Thou shalt not suffer anyone who doesn’t agree with us to live. I wonder what fuel they’d use for the stake burning. Probably not coal, perhaps they’d try and generate enough heat for a cremation using some renewable source or other. Two months at the stake and the heretic would be be saying “Hold on, I think we got something there, I definitely felt a very, very slight warmth”.



John Swinney the Finance Minister claims we must tap into the boom in orders for renewable energy. Boom?, orders?, that’s debatable. Companies are saying to the various Government funded green energy bodies “Let’s get this straight, we pay you £10.000 to put a small wind turbine on the roof and you’ll pay us a £1m in grants........you will,okay you’ve persuaded us, we’ll take one”. It all makes no sense financially. On a domestic level we are paying say an average of £600 a year for electricity. If a man came to your door and told that the installation of a solar panel could knock 10% off that and cut your carbon emissions a wee bit, and the only catch is that the installation costs £30k plus the annual maintenance fee.  Which means that you’d break even in about 26.......lifetimes, you’d tell him to **** off. But that’s what the Government is doing with tax payer’s money. They say it’s for future generations. Screw the future generations; let them sort their own problems out.



CAT.

Cat Cubie
BBC Scotland’s weathergirl Cat Cubie it was reported put the wind up viewers by announcing that Hurricane Katia was on the way and everyone was going to die. Cat said it was a slip of the tongue, because what she meant to say that Hurricane Katia is on the way “ so I’ll be up on the BBC roof and if anyone wants to come and see my knickers when my very short skirt is blown over my head you are more than welcome”.