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Saturday, 5 November 2011

The Gormans, The Travellers and The Junkies.

Police are investigating the theft of 131 sheep worth £13.000 from fields near Johnstonebridge in Southern Scotland. Police think the theft may be the work of an international sex ring operating out of Aberdeen.



TRAVELLERS?

The travellers who were evicted from the Dale Farm site in Essex have told contractors that they plan to return to the site once workers have finished clearing it. It shouldn’t take too long, a few weeks cleaning up the site, plus 5 minutes lifting the shoddy tarmac they laid in the driveways leading to their “caravans”. The cost of the eviction was £18m, plus another £200 or so buying each traveller a copy of the Collin’s English Dictionary with the definition of the word Traveller highlighted. Traveller: trav-el-er. noun. One who travels, a member of a travelling people: emphasis on travel.

It’s in the word travel isn’t it? After all, if you’d gone to a travel agency you’d be a bit miffed with them if they booked you a holiday in your own house. You’d want to travel somewhere and that’s why you’d go to a “travel” agency.

The “travellers” appealed to the European Court of Human Rights on the grounds that their basic human right to live as travellers who don’t travel anywhere had been breached. They claimed that travelling is their way of life, but their claim was scuppered when the judge at the ECHR ask them to provide him with a list of all the places they’ve travelled to in the last 10 years. The problem for them was that it was a very short list, in fact the list only contained Dale Farm. Another problem was that the judge himself owned a caravan and his caravan has wheels therefore he knows what a caravan is. The judge also has a house which doesn’t have wheels, therefore he knows it’s a house. The travellers just couldn’t come up with a believable explanation as to how they managed to travel around the country in houses without wheels. There are people classed as housebound by the NHS who have travelled more than the “travellers”. So when they couldn’t even pull the wool over the eyes of the ECHR, which everyone who has ever appealed to it had had always managed to do they resorted to plan B, which was to ask activist Vanessa Redgrave if she’d call the travellers being evicted because they just could bother their a***’s getting planning permission an act of ethnic cleansing.

What happened in Kosovo, Rwanda and Bosnia, that was ethnic cleansing, politely asking travellers to live up to their name isn’t. There are no mass graves at Dale Farm.

You have to give Miss Redgrave her due because she is brilliant at turning up in such situations to hand ring and look concerned, sad and shocked at the treatment of “whomever/whatever”.

“What, the council bent over backwards offering you a new site, and they offered you the alternative of houses too?, that’s an outrageous way for a council to behave.......oh excuse me a second, there’s a TV camera, I must put my concerned face on and hand ring in front of it”.

On hearing this news that the “travellers” plan Basildon council have demanded a meeting with the travellers to ask them exactly what part of “**** off” they didn’t understand. Apparently the part they didn’t understand was all of it.



THE GORMANS.

It’s been revealed that millionaire mother of four Mary Gorman will go on trial in the States on cocaine and police assault charges. In the words of Francis Frank Macca MacAvennie “Shockarooni”. It is alleged that cops In Orlando caught her with the drugs when they responded to a report that she was romping in a toilet with another man while her husband allegedly watched.

So big giant reddies all round then, allegedly. The cops claim she was having sex with a black man in the toilet in a cubicle and they claim she turned violent when they arrested her. No wonder, she wasn’t finished and there’s nothing more annoying than, to give it it’s Latin name: coitus interuptus. The couple were on holiday at Disney World at the time. Well this is certainly something you don’t see in the Disney World brochures is it. For a start there is absolutely no mention is the brochures that Disney World is twinned with the Cupid’s Club in Manchester.

Mary and her husband Chris who reportedly has a £45m fortune made as the owner of The Gadget Shop are apparently well known on the Scottish celebrity circuit. How well known?. Very, very, very, very well known, NOW. The Orlando police, an Officer M. Mouse and an Office D. Duck arrested Chris for interfering in his wives arrest. The two officers said “We got fed up telling him that we could manage to get the handcuffs on her ourselves, but he kept insisting on helping, so we arrested him”.

On her return from Florida Mary wrote on her Facebook page; Disneyed out, but landed home safely, feeling foggy with jetlag:resuming full alertness soon, back to business tomorrow, lots to do.  And her Facebook pal DJ Susie McGuire posted; Missed you tons, glad you had a ball, can’t wait to see the pix. Can’t wait to see the pix?, I’ll bet you can’t Susie. We all can’t. And glad you had a ball?. A ball, the Orlando police allege she had two.







THE SCHEME.

The stars of the reality show The Scheme have blasted snooty BBC bosses who left them off the guest list for the Scottish Bafta’s. The show is up for a Scottish Bafta in the Best Factual Series About People Who Live In The Onthank Estate And Take Drugs category. But BBC Scotland explained that they can’t invite them because the awards venues toilets don’t have the special lights that McDonald have to stop veins showing up so that people can’t shoot up in their lavvies.

BBC Scotland denied blanking them was snobbery. A BBC Scotland spokesman explained “Snobbery?, no, we’ve simply got an aversion to sitting at a table with a load of junkie bams”.

Part time lesbian Dayna McLaughlin said “It’s really unfair. They wouldn’t even be getting an award if we hadn’t agreed to be filmed”, adding “Fair enough, we were all that out of it, we never even knew we were being filmed, but still not fair”.